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Posts Tagged ‘humour’

As well as being a musician, in the snippets of time I claw back from my day job, I also game. I used to play Skyrim, but then I took an arrow to the knee (read: finished it, and all the DLCs) so these days I can often be found stomping around Tyria in Guild Wars 2, throwing fire at unfortunate bandits and smokescales.

It occurred to me, during an intense bout of killing a giant wurm in Draconis Mons the other evening, that my character, a belligerent Norn elementalist by the name of Lucientia (Likes: ale, shiny weaponry, incinerating bad guys. Dislikes: Flat ale, dull armour, bad guys) has the right approach when it comes to, well, not just being a sword (or flame) for hire, but also the day job. So here are some stock phrases Lucientia likes to say that would serve us all well in the world of work.

On receiving a pay rise: “A fitting reward!” or “I LIKE it.”

On nailing that tricksy spreadsheet/database/other task: “I’m AMAZING!” or “See that? That was all me!”

On going into the board meeting: “Time to bust some heads” or “We won because of ME!” (depending on circumstance of course)

On hot desking: “New land. NEW LAND!” or “Another place to make my legend!”

On receiving a promotion: “I am AWESOME!” 

(These quotes can, and should, also be used at appropriate junctures in job interviews. Let me know how that works out for you…)

Lucientia

Lucientia – 9 feet tall and a career arsonist

The thing about Lucientia is that she’s completely confident, sure of herself, full of pride for her achievements and totally unapologetic. My polar opposite! I find myself apologising if my set has too many originals, or not enough originals, or too many sadder songs, or just might not be what people enjoy. I worry that my best isn’t good enough, sometimes even that my best just isn’t my best.

Lucientia doesn’t care what people enjoy. SHE enjoys burning things, even if those things scream.

We should all be more like Lucientia.

But without the arson.

 

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Back in Room 101

It’s been a serious few weeks, hasn’t it? All music industry blather and not a lot of entertainment.

So, in a bid to bring back the lighter side of my blog, for today’s entry we’re revisiting Room 101 and finding out what new things I’d like to add!

WET SPOON DIPPERS

You know the ones I mean. The people who use a dripping spoon, straight out of stirring their tea, or worse, coffee, to get sugar out of the communal jar. Meaning that until the sugar has been replaced, everyone is doing a sort of reverse lucky dip manoeuvre to avoid getting a large clump of black, coffee flavoured goo in their own drink. Dry your spoons, people.

Dry.

Your.

Spoons.

 

PSYCHIC INDICATORS

Are you in or on a vehicle? Is it turning? Are you so certain of your own action that you think that approaching pedestrians and oncoming traffic know what you intend to do?

Nope. We don’t have a clue. Whatever diploma you got from Xavier’s School for the Gifted was clearly found in a cereal box, your psychic ability is significantly lacking.

Please use your physical indicators. If you are in a car, it’s the little lever next to the steering wheel that you can activate with your pinky. This isn’t that weird episode of Buffy where Anya is driving by steering emphatically. This is real life, and in real life, just thinking about turning is not enough. (Cyclists – this goes for you too, stick your arm out in that old-fashioned way and we’ll thank you for giving us a chance to avoid becoming one with your pile of metal and wheels).

 

LAST-MINUTE TILL SELLERS

“Can I interest you in..”

No.

“Would you like…”

Nyet.

“We have an offer on…”

Nein. Non. Nee. La. Deyil. Ne. Nej. Ohee. Pa. Nahi. Nei. Tidak. Nai. Kla.

I am at the till. I have finished choosing what I would like to buy. Now, I simply wish to exchange money for goods, as simply and unobtrusively as possible, because, you see, I have other things to do today. If you have such poor marketing strategies that you are resorting to the hard sell as I am trying to escape your store, you are doing it wrong. The time to get me is as I’m wandering the aisles, basket in hand, pondering how dangerous it is to go shopping before eating lunch. Once I am at the till, let me go!

 

THE TOUR GROUP BATTERING RAM

This one may be unique to York – I have certainly never experienced it anywhere else. It is not unusual to be walking home from work and to find myself barged into the road (and occasionally oncoming traffic, just for the extra thrill) by a coach-load of tourists who don’t feel like sharing the pavement. Not content to walk two by two with consideration for fellow pedestrians, these groups will often walk four or five abreast, and will readily engage elbows, rucksacks, umbrellas, or their entire body to shove unsuspecting locals under buses. I think it’s actually a sport, promoted by their home countries. Perhaps they get given score-cards at the start of their trip, and the person with the most fatalities to their name wins a free bottle of wine or a room upgrade at their next destination…

It’s interesting to note that the same tour groups that form an effective spearheaded wedge of hard, unyielding mass can be in two states, the aforementioned “solid” and the “liquid” state (achieved via the catalyst of being near any building of historical note, such as York Minster). In the liquid state, these groups form a viscous barrier to any kind of swift movement through the city centre, drifting as they do in a kind of pedestrian Brownian motion whilst gazing upwards and exhorting about “how quaint” it all is.

 

And there you have it. Room 101 repopulated with a few of my least favourite groups. Have a great week 🙂

 

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Leading on from this post last week, about ways to beat writer’s block, it occurs to me that sometimes one just wants to wallow in the mire of procrastination. So, in case you were running out of ideas, allow me to present 7 effective procrastination methods, all of which I have used to great effect when practicing songwriting avoidance. Enjoy!

1) Read blogs. 

Maybe start by reading this one and add a few comments about procrastination methods of your own. Or go back and stalk previous posts, leave comments and follow links. Eventually you’ll end up so lost in the internet, it’ll be past bedtime before you know it, and all without the strain of having written a note.

2) Candy Crush/Pet Rescue/Bejewelled Blitz

Time-eaters of the highest order – you’ll start by saying “just five minutes” which soon becomes “just one more level” and then “just until teatime”. You know you have a real problem when you’re eating tea at 2am (but hey, you’ve earned all the stars!)

3) Clean, sort or alphabetise something.

When I was a teenager, when it came to exam time, I had the cleanest room for miles. My cassette collection (yes, I am THAT old) was in alphabetical order. I had colour coded revision timetables. I think you can imagine how effective my actual revision was. Of course now, you are more likely to be sorting out folders on your computer, but the same idea applies. Just tell yourself that you’ll be ready to start writing when your space is right. Just right.

(Even now my books are sorted by genre and author, whether that makes me expert at procrastination or OCD I leave up to you, dear reader)

4) Do”research”.

Songwriting does involve a certain degree of looking up things for inspiration. It’s pretty spurious reasoning, though, when my research involves dogs that text or snakes in hats. And don’t even get me started on dreadful real estate photos. Surely the worst culprit is Wikipedia though – looks like legitimate research until you realise you’ve been reading up on the Silent Hill game franchise, or abandoned battle sites of England and Europe.

5) Make lists.

Nothing helps you procrastinate more effectively than creating epic (colour-coded for preference) lists of all the things you should be doing, if you weren’t so busy procrastinating by making a list of what you should be doing, if you weren’t so busy procrastinating… They say it takes 10,000 hours of doing something to become a master at it. What mastery I lack in songwriting, I surely must have attained in list-making. Mine are things of beauty. They should be displayed at the Victoria and Albert Museum as tangible proof of the peerless art of procrastination.

6) Watch box-sets.

You can pretend that you are actually following step 4 of this post , “consume instead of create”, and are therefore taking positive steps to beat your writer’s block. Or you just fancy binge-watching all of Firefly and Dollhouse one after the other in your dressing gown. One or the other.

7) Write blog posts about how to procrastinate.

Do you see what I did there?

 

Let me leave you with a marvellous article I found on Wikihow, about how procrastination can actually be a Good Thing (™) – I leave it up to you to decide how much of that you agree with. Meanwhile, I’ll work on breaking my procrastination habit. Just need to tidy my workspace and get to level 257 in Candy Crush first…

 

 

 

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